I think I’m comfort eating…these past 4 days, I haven’t been able to stop eating. I’m full yet I still have a huge urge to eat something. Anything, from fruit & vegetables to junk food. I see my big stomach protruding out when I look in the mirror and say, ‘wow that’s a big tummy’ and also think that’s fat, but I still eat anyway without much thought.
…
I haven’t really done a lot of my own artwork very much, sadly it’s because I have no motivation to do so, and also because I think I’m addicted to using the computer.
However, I was looking at some images on deviantART and saw some images that to me, don’t look like art. It seems as the word itself is used so casually and loosly, it’s hard it seems for anyone to say what really is art, when really it seems anything can be considered art.
At TAFE I often heard people say things like, “that as long as you like it, and as long as it has meaning behind it, it’s art,” and sentences along the lines of that. I don’t believe that is true. Just because you put two chemicals together into a beaker to see whether an explosion will occurr doesn’t make you a scientist. I see photographs taken of something and yes the person may have thought about it, and it meant something to them, so what? It looks like an ordinary photograph that anyone can take without thought or question, and that I believe defeats the purpose of what art is. Art is meant to make you stop, think, question and challenge you (whether it be morally, ethically, spiritually, mentally etc), not just so you can go, “never seen that before.” People who don’t study art themselves, and who do not understand art often think that art is anything, and they can call whatever they want, art. However I know different now from going to my art theory and history lessons.
For example, you might question why someone bothered to put a pink box in the middle of a street, that is the size of a car. How is that art you might ask? It’s art because in a street where you see nothing but cars, buildings, tar roads, traffic lights and machinery, and to see a pink box, you stop and look. It visually captures you. I mean of course it would fucking visually capture you, it’s a fucking pink box in the middle of the road. That’s just it though, that kind of art focuses on the elements and principles of art. It’s focus is colour and shape, that was the artist’s intention.
Just because you see something nice in the street and want to take a photo of it, doesn’t make it art. It has to be more than that. I think art has become so “normal” nowadays and people just abuse it, and do whatever they want with it.
Although down in history and in ancient times people were strict and artists were men rather than women, at least there art had its name. Now, it’s hard for people to appreciate it, for what it REALLY is.
Why say anything when there’s no point?
Or is speech and words that powerful, that by the action of speaking alone is the point enough?
I will delete the new blog I made for this serious thing I had in mind for a blog. I did create it, and I was going to write a post, but then I asked myself, why did I make this in the first place? My opinion would have been personal facts and personal thoughts anyway. This blog currently holds some of my personal thoughts. So, what’s the difference.
So I guess I’ll just hit off with a new blog post, doing what I normally do.
Some new thoughts came to mind, if I can remember them all.
I thought about mental illnesses or disorders, and how you really find them out. It occurred to me that my naive and somewhat selfish thinking that I had may have some sort of disorder is potentially really pathetic me. I was reading quite a number of months back about Anxiety Disorder. Reading the pamphlet I realised that much of what I felt and thought was written in that pamphlet, no fibbing. However I put aside. Then more recently I came across Bipolar Disorder and again, saw the symptoms and what “victims” feel, and I felt much the same as what was written, no lies. However I am not a psychologist and far from any doctor profession. It occurred to me that people with these disorders possibly lead “normal” lives. They may go out to work everyday, interact with people everyday, yet if they still feel how they feel for a long period time, then maybe that individual should at consider seeing someone, ie a psychologist about it. Me, I stay at home all day, everyday, have done for over a week. I spend my time on the computer, hardly exercising anything that I’m actually good at whilst at home, which is drawing. I’ve hardly drawn, and I keep asking myself why. I do not draw as much because I find so much on the Internet that entertains and amuses me. When I draw, I forget any problems I had/have, and I just see the face I’m drawing. I do not discover anything new, I just see what is in front of me as I have always seen. The Internet however acts like a gateway to things you can discover, and it is afterall part of human nature to discover and explore, especially when it comes to what you’re interested in. It is also human nature to reach out when one feels confused, anxious and generally negative. At least, I think it’s human nature, however I guess how one does this reaching out is different to everybody, including whether or not that individual reaches out in the first place. I think I have been trying to reach out subconsciously through this vast gateway, searching and seeking, trying to find something. I have always felt that I’m waiting for something, even though I know it’s not going to come, yet I still search for anything and everything on the Internet. I guess I’m searching for answers to help me with how to make my life easier. Then I think, my life is already so easy it’s almost unthinkable. Just read what I said above, I stay at home all day and do jack shit. I believe this is why I feel incomplete. I do not interact with other people, then again I never really have. Forcing this interaction is not part of my nature, and everyone is different. I may have bad memory, and lack of self belief, however I do know myself well enough to know that people aren’t who I’m all that fond of, in fact avoidance is something I do best. However, I needn’t get to know other people, but merely interacting with people is important I have realised. It keeps you sane, keeps you grounded so you don’t drift off somewhere. You may now think, ‘well then.. interact?’ That may be simple and easy to understand and do for you, however for me it isn’t. Yes I can hop on a train in the city where it is most busy, however I doubt you have thoughts on your mind all the time circling you. Maybe I just need to interact or whatever, but I really feel trapped in my own mind. Not even drawing can help. My decisions change so fast I can’t even keep track of whatever decision I made in the first place. You feel like everyone is against you sometimes, or you feel that you are not loved or appreciated even though the people closest to you have told you that they do before. I keep thinking of people I know from high school telling me to get over it and get on with it over and over in my head, hoping that I’ll just snap out of it however it doesn’t work, because I then keep saying, ‘what if? Why? What’s happening? But..’ This may be hard to understand, but I’m explaining everything as best as I can. Someone tells me to do something, and I hesitate and I just don’t do it. It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s like I can’t. I really can’t describe it, but it’s like being scared, but I’m not scared. Maybe being at home isn’t a good thing and is causing me to think all this, but going back to what I was saying at the very beginning, this is why I probably don’t have anything wrong with me mentally. For example, it’s like, you wonder why the table fell over even though the bolts that kept the leg attached to it are on the ground next to you, though you still question, ‘why?’ When the answer is there in front of you. Maybe I don’t make much sense, in fact I don’t make much sense myself, but I realise now that it takes a lot of ruling out before saying that there’s something wrong with someone. Then again, I’m no expert and there’s a possibility that I’m blind to my own self. Not much I can do there I suppose.
Another thought… I believe that something is going to happen in December 2012. I won’t deny I am a superstitous person, and I’m not proud of that, however so many religions as well as, should I say loose facts also points to the year 2012 as being an end or in my words a revolution of some kind.
Looking at the world we live in today, it is deteriorating and that is scientific fact. Ice caps are melting, sea levels are rising, a newspaper report some time ago reported that Australia won’t be able to feed itself in something like 20 years time. Not to mention we now have access to many nuclear weapons, as well as the fact that with new alternatives trying to be thought out, tested so as to be used to replace fossil fuel, many are looking to nuclear power. It is quite safe yes, however we all know what a meltdown is, and what radiation if not handled carefully or with the right hands is capable of. Again I am a superstitous late adolescent who doesn’t know any better about the world that what I see on TV, films, books and the Internet, as well as my own feelings. I can be naive, but these are just some of my thoughts. The world will not stay the same as it is now forever. I don’t know much about fate and I guess I’m not much of a believer really, but the future is up to all of humankind. Look how far technology has advanced in the past decade give or take. The world is getting faster and faster and we’re all getting caught up in it, understandably enough, but I guess later we’ll see how fast we really can go. “If you think you’re in control, you’re just not going fast enough.” A quote from a book I read a while ago. Can’t remember who said it, but that’s pretty much how I feel a lot of the time.
I realised I am a selfish person.
I’m a weak person.
I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I really hate when people say shit about anorexia and bulemics. Everyone sterotypes them into petty girls and occasionally guys who don’t eat purely so they can be skinny. Anorexia and bulemia is about control, and yes they are insecure, however judging something because everyone does and because it is sterotypical but you do not actually understand yourself, I think is naive and childish. I’m talking to people who have never experienced anorexia and/or bulemia themselves, or who love food and see nothing past his/her dinner plate, or people who are just narrow minded about this. I think it is really unwise to go and judge or assume something that you yourself do actually understand, but go ahead anyway because that’s what people did at school, that’s what your peers do, or what society does. You think seeing bones is funny? You think what’s going on in that person’s head, is funny or amusing? You think that as he/she gets further into this problem, it really is all about being skinny like a model? Hah! You think that it’s about getting attention? You think that seeing a mother burying her child is funny and worth being made fun of? Because you laughing and joking about it, is implying that you think it is. If you don’t, then stop laughing and use your brain and think for yourself. Tell you what, you need to get more informed on it all, and be less judgemental and really start using your brain and think. And yes I have experienced this myself before, so I’m not being hypocritical.
Different topic now… go to the big picture. Photo journalism at it’s best I guess. Highly recommend you at least look at this site once. Look meaning look at the photos there, not just opening and closing the window.
Bye.
I go onto YouTube a lot lately.
I like the idea of vlogs… a lot.
What about this blog?
Could be a time for a change. Not in the sense of deleting this blog or anything. However, I think maybe make this more informative.
Basically, I’ve been thinking of making a new blog on this account (yay for this several-blogs-in-one-account-feature!) So, I’ll still keep this one, but make this more of a ranting, personal, personal thoughts blog.
I think I still like blogging, but I do want to try out vlogging for a little bit, to see what it’s like, and so I can really say, ‘yes I like blogging more than vlogging,” OR “yes I like vlogging, more than blogging.”
I just think, if people are going to read something, people generally want to read something either informative, funny, thoughtful, philosophical, psychological even etc etc. When it comes to vlogging, the same applies, but people are more inclined to watch and listen to someone talk randomly about their day, than read it. I don’t think I feel comfortable with saying to people who don’t know me on the Internet how my day was and what I do whilst they look at my face. I’m not comfortable with that, only people close to me do I feel comfortable with sharing such information. So that is why blogging is nice to do — people aren’t looking at your face.
So, yes, this new blog that I’m going to do is for serious-like topics based on my opinion (obviously, as that’s the only source of information I’ll have… it’s not like I’m going to research it all like an assignment *shudders at the thought of English essays and reports*). The topics are going to be things I think about a lot, or maybe not a lot but what I’ve been thinking about and just want to write it out. I don’t care whether it becomes popular, gets more reads etc, though I guess that is partially why I bother to start a new blog separate to this one. However it also has to do with the fact that I would like to keep those serious topics separate from this, more personal blog.
Onto another topic, the girl in Finland who I sent my postcare to… she recieved it finally! She also messaged me through PostCrossing, and said thank you and that she really liked my card. I’m so happy it arrived to her house successfully because it was starting to get a little worrying about how much time it was taking to get the postcard over there. I thought I wrote the wrong address or something, but thankfully no, she’s has it safe and sound. ^_^
When I found out about this, I also realised that another person had messaged saying that she had sent a postcard to me and that she hopes that I like it. I’m thrilled at the thought that I’ll have a postcard sent to me! Can’t wait to recieve it.
Anywho, I don’t know when I’ll start writing in this new blog, but after I finish writing this blog post, I’ll make it and name it then put the URL here so that whoever does read my blogs can find the page. Write, anyway, that’s all.
Err yeah, I just had the urge to write another blog post. Had some thoughts just pop into my head just now.
Well, for starters, like I said with my previous blog post, I finished my roll of film, but now I wish that I had experimented more with it, regardless of what subject I took a photo with. You see the Diana+ has some funky features on it that Holgas don’t.
The significant feature on my Diana is that it has a pinhole feature, which I promised myself that I’d use before using up all of the film. Haha that’s really quite funny, I can’t even remember a promise I made to myself let alone keep it.
Also, there’s a little trick you can do with film. You can, what’s called double expose your image. This means that you take your shot, and without winding the film to the next negative, you take a photo again. So basically you’ll have two photographs in one, and they’re overlap each other. Really interesting effects…yet, I forgot to do this. -_-”
I really make life difficult for myself unconsciously I amaze myself. So in a sense, I really did waste this film, plus it’s going to cost me when I come to process it…then I’m going to be buying more film… *adds up cost* omg..
Onto the next thought I had, which was, I’m reading all these posts about Holgas and Dianas, and I’m thinking to myself, which is better, because I like both, but I got the Diana instead for its soft and dreamy photo effects. Also, there’s a little trick you can do to put 35mm film into the Diana which really only allows 120 medium format film which is practically twice the size. However I get the feeling that the vingette (however you spell it) won’t be as effective. I don’t know exactly, I just hope that I haven’t wasted my money on some short obsession (again. I really thought that this is different, I hope that it is).
I really don’t think my shots are going to turn out great. Y.Y
I thought I’d share some plans of my ritualist, Cella Bell Ring. She is probably about 2-3 days old. She’s just over half way through Factions, and same with GW:EN. She still needs to start Nightfall and Prophecies. I usually start everything all at once and do all campaigns and the expansion, and kind of do them all at once. This time I thought I’d just do Factions (Cantha, where she’s born), and GW:EN (for heroes and access to armor). I figured that I should finish something with her, instead of having all this non-complete stuff. It’s working, having nearly finished Factions and GW:EN, so that I can say, been there done that, then to move onto Nightfall and later Prophecies. The armor I plan to get her… well, actually, pretty much every ritualist armor available in the game, besides Monument, still contemplating whether to get Ancient. I got Ancient for my previous ritualist, but I duno… The armors I definitely do know I’m going to get are –> Elite Luxon, Elite Kurzick, Elite Imperial, Norn, Asuran, Elite Canthan, Vabbian (if I can ever afford it) or Obsidian.
May as well say for my other WIP characters. Taka Ohgo, my assassin will get Monument, Asuran, Elite Imperial, Elite Kurzick, Elite Luxon, Ancient, Obsidian and maybe Norn.
I should get round to putting a screenshot of my Ritualist… do that sometime.
Anyway, that’s all the blabber for today really. I think. Could be more, but hey.
So, today is another day. I woke up at 12-ish only to fall back asleep and wake up at something like 2:30, I think, or maybe it was 3:30… not sure.
I stayed in bed for a while, thinking of what I can do today. I was going to continue my Dirkon camera, but had no motivation to do so. Been a while since I continued it, I hope that I will.
Haven’t drawn much either. No motivation to do that. I’ve seen some drawings here and there and thought I should pick up that pencil and paper, but alas, no drawing. I don’t know how I’ll hold down a job.
I have one shot left in my Diana camera. One. Really this roll of film is just a test roll to see how I did, what work, what doesn’t and really just to see if the Diana is as magical as I’ve seen it and people say it is. I’m hoping that my what would normally be crappy shots, be interesting shots, but you know what happens when you get hopes up. Well, at least I do anyway.
So, what have I been doing today? I searched for interesting YouTube videos, but there really aren’t that many vlog videos out there. Actually there are, they have heaps of subscribers, friends and comments, but a lot of them seem to act or be a little artificial in what they’re saying. So basically I watch the videos and I just think it’s all false. I guess I would like to do my own vlog (as I think I’ve mentioned a couple of times in my blog somewhere), but something about talking to a camera and letting lots of random people see me kind of scares me. I duno, maybe it could be interesting and fun. Maybe just like this is, but through voice, not text. Well, if I ever do, I’ll be sure to put them here.
Guess what?
I am up to my very last shot of my roll of film. I don’t know whether to waste it on something really boring, meaningless. Or whether I should save it for something brilliant. Or… I could just… I think I’ll just waste it. Afterall, test roll here.
Hehe, just used it. Saw the film being wound all the way back. Now it’s just a matter of finding someone to develop it for me. This could get interesting, or most probably annoying and aggravating, and expensive. *sigh* Sucks to be skint broke. And now my roll will soon be developed. Update on that whenever it is I develop it.
Well, really there’s not a whole lot for me to write anymore. So till next time.
FOR THE FIEST TIME IN MY FUCKING LIFE I ACTUALLY HATE EVERYTHING. I NEVER USED TO HATE ANYTHING FUCKING THING, HOWEVER TODAY… I AM HAPPY TO FUCKING ANNOUNCE I AM FUCKING HATING EVERY FUCKING THING! GOT THAT?! I DON’T, I FEEL LIKE FUCKING SCREAMING. I FEEL SO FUCKING HORRIBLE LIKE SOME FUCKING MONISTER. I WANT TO JUST FUCKING DO SOMETHINGN TO JUST EASE EVERYTHING! I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY FUCKING MIND. EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKING THIS THIS THIS AND THIS
I WANT EVERYTHING TO FUCKING GO AWAY, YET AT THE SAME TIME I DON’T.
JHAHAAHAHAHAHAHABNAAH
THIS KEYBOARD IS SO FUCKED UP BEING SO BLOODY SMALL
I WANT TO SCREAM DAMMIT… NO ONE UNDERSTANDS A FUCKING THING
NO ONE HEARS A FUCKING THING
NOT ONE PERSON FUCKING UNDERSTANDS
OH SO MUM WALKS INTO MY ROOM, SAYS GOODNIGHT AS SHE NORMALLY DOES, AND SAYS THAT SHE WANTS A HUG BECAUSE SHE FEELS LONELY…. YOU KNOW JACK SHIT MUM! YOU FEEL LONELY?! I FEEL 10X MORE LONELY. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I KNOW I’M EVERYTHING TO YOU. I KNOW YOU SAY THAT IF IT WASN’T FOR ME THERE’S NOT POINT IN LIVING. THAT’S ALL GREAT MUM, BUT MY WHOLE LIFE I’VE BEEN SPOILED AND EVERYTHING GREEN AND NICE HAS BEEN HANDED TO ME ON A SILVER PLATTER AND NOW I HATE, FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING GREEN AND NICE AND WARM. I DON’T ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS. I DONT’ FUCKING GIVE A TOSS ABOUT THIS OR THAT. I HATE EVERYTHING PEOPLE JUST GIVING THINGS TO ME, FOR FUCK SAKE, JUST STOP THAT. I’M A FUCKING LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING PERSON WHO REALLY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS REAL AND WHAT’S NOT, SO JUST LET ME SUFFER IN PEACE AND CAUSE PAIN AND BURDENS FOR MYSELF. THAT’S WHAT I DO DAILY. I DON’T SEE ANY OTHER WAY OF LIVING, SO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
NO DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE. COS I ALREADY AM ALONE AND I SJHOULD WANT SOMEONE HERE RIGHT. I DON’T KNOW. HAH WHAT A LOUSY FUCKED UP WORLD. ITS GONA END IN 4 FUCKING YEARS TIME ANYWAY. WHAT’S THE POINT OF FUCKINGN ANYTYHING. NOTHING. WE’LL PROBABLY HAVE SOME FUCKING NUCLEAR WAR, LOTS OF DEATHS. ITS JUST INEVITABLE OR SOEMTHING AINT’ IT. HUMANS NEVER FUCKING LEARN THEIR LESSONS. I AM A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF THAT. HAH! WONDERFUL… ME = FAILURE ME = UNCERTAINTY ME = DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING.
YOU THINK YOU’RE ALONE MUM?! HUH?! YEAH WELL MY HEAD FEELS LIKE ITS HAVING ARGUMENTS AND DEBATES WITH ITSELF EVERY FUCKING DAY. I HAVE THOUGHTS THAT JUST GO ROUND AND ROUND IN FUCKING CIRCLES AND I ACTUALLY HAVE DREAMS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE… ONES THAT I CAN ACTUALLY REMEMBER. WHY DO YOU THINK THAT MY PAINTINGS AND PORTRAITS SHOW NO HAPPINESS… I AM… FAR FROM HAPPY. AND YOU KNOW THE FUNNY THING… I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY. EVERYTHING IS GREAT IN MY LIFE. I HAVE A HOUSE, FAMILY, GOOD ENOUGH HEALTH (THAT I KNOW OF… HAH), HAD A GRRRRREAT EDUCATION (DING DING DING), I GO TO COLLEGE, I’M DOING ART… I CAN DRAW THEREFORE HAVE A TALENT… I HAVE A PC, A CAMERA, PRACTICALLY TWO ROOMS, FOOD IN THE FRIDGE… THERE ISN’T ANYTHING THAT I DON’T NEED. EVERYTHING IS FINE. YET FOR SOME FUCKING REASON, MY HEAD FEELS LIKE ITS NOT SCREWED ON FUCKING RIGHT AND EVERY TIME I STOP DOING SOMETHING, MY MIND IS LIKE THE FUCKING LAW COURT ROOM OR SOMETHING WHERE PEOPLE ARE TALKING NON STOP, TRYING TO PROVE EACH OTHERS POINTS, AND YELLING HERE AND THERE… ITS LIKE.. ID ON’T KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE,. BUT ITS FUCKING ANNOYING.
I can’t really say much. I have the urge to write something, though I have nothing worthwhile to say. So instead my talk and blabber isn’t going to be anymore than common nonsense.
I will try though.
So it’s a Saturday. I woke up 3:44 (yes I added the extra 4min because I remember opening my phone up to see 44), went downstairs, had a banana, grabbed a bottle of water, surfed the net, and then went on GW. Seeing as my boyfriend kindly and very sweetly stayed up to catch me online so he could say good “morning” to me, we chatted for a little while, but understandably he went to sleep soon after. Thank you Leon! ^_^ Was a surprise to me.
I started playing on my ritualist, as she needs to get through a lot of things, but seeing as there’s a GWEN double point thingy this weekend, she’s going to be doing lots and lots of GWEN. She’s done the Norn areas, and now going through the Asuran areas. It’s really getting tedious and boring, and I’m thinking of switching characters, because if I push too hard, I’ll end up not like playing on my rit… it’s happened a lot of times before. However, I wanted to persevere, so instead I’m writing something to just clear my mind a bit.
I haven’t drawn ANYTHING for ages, which is a shame, but I just haven’t really been bothered to, and something like drawing for… I need to be in the mood to. Ah, I’m so lazy sometimes. I really have to wonder what I’m passionate about these days, I can never seem to be bothered to do anything. I have practically no motivation to do anything, and being frank and honest about it, I have no bloody idea why.
I haven’t continued making the pinhole camera either, though to be fair, I can’t really finish it anyway without that black velvet thing I need to buy. I could make the rest of it and just leave the part that needs the velvet till I can buy it, but you know, doing so will actually cause me to have less motivation to finish making it. Need to buy the velvet before I nearly finish it. I guess I can buy it when I go to get the matchbox for the matchbox pinhole camera.
Man it’s really cold, and has been this past week. I’m in my warmest jumper I have, yet I can still feel the cold going through to my bone.
I took some more shots with my Holga today. They were hardly interesting, merely just experimenting at taking shots with it. I’m still looking forward to getting the film processed. ^_^ So far I have taken a total of 4 shots and I don’t know how many negatives I have left in the roll. I know that 120 film has less amount of shots than your regular 35mm film… I just can’t remember by how much. Hopefully over 15, otherwise this is going to get expensive -_-.
Yay Cella Bell Ring (my ritualist’s name) reached level 20! Funny how I made my assassin a couple of days before my rit, yet rit is now lvl 20 whilst Taka (my assassin) is still level 14… I still need to get through those 15 attribute quests too. ><” Ah, they’re so boring. Eh, to be honest, I think GW is becoming like a habit more than an enjoyment. If I don’t play Guild Wars (and a considerable time on it I might add), then I don’t feel like the day has been really complete. Habit, addiction, don’t know, something like that.
I was thinking of getting more into vlogging, but not sure whether I’d really want to. I still like typing (as I’m good at it, and can get thoughts out pretty much at the same time as I write). Although speaking… well I’m not good at explaining things, so that’s a bad thing, although I do like using Windows Movie Maker. Want to make GW movies again, but that take a lot of time, and no-one is willing or wanting to take part in it. That’s understandable really, I mean if someone wanted to make a film and ask me, I’d say no (as politely as I could of course).
Was searching around for interesting vlogs… didn’t find any. Also, on everyone’s first vlog, they all say the same thing. “This is just random blabber…” “This is my first vlog, not sure what to say,” “Nervous,” etc etc… just talk ffs. In fact, don’t even say it’s your first vlog… people could probably tell. Ah who am I to say, I haven’t done a “normal” vlog, only the two vlogs that I have done, and you don’t even hear me speak.
Anyways, I guess I’ll shut up… feel like doing something else anyhow.
Tata.
|
